Cover Your Assets

Dating after a divorce or a bad breakup, consider a dating pre-nuptial.

I was kidding with friends over dinner recently that I wanted a “pre-nup” for dating so there would be no surprises and hard-feelings after the breakup. Outlining your wants and needs – while in the throws of infatuation – is becoming more common, especially after a nest of wasps has left their stingers in your hide as a forget-me-not.

One friend on their first date said to their prospective new mate, “I will NEVER live with or own a home with another person.”  She added, for as long as she lives, just to get her point across. I thought have we become so jaded and protective of ourselves in our middle age – and for good reasons — that we can’t allow ourselves to rest for a moment in the romanticism of a date.

I did some research and apparently my friends aren’t that far off. They just have to take the next step and put the guidelines in a pre-nup dating agreement.  In fact, more and more young people are pushing the trend. In New York City, for instance, new couples are creating contractual guidelines for new relationships, including how to end them. They don’t want to lose the equity they invested in the relationship. And if you’ve ever shared a New York City apartment, as I have, you’ll understand the need for a pre-nup, married or not.

In this recent New York Post Article, Arlene Dubin, a matrimonial attorney at Moses & Singer LLP, said that these pre-nups or cohabitation agreements or “cohabs,” are an “explosive trend.”

Depending on the particular agreement, one can also add a “bad boy/bad girl clause,” which forbids cheating and other bad behavior, she said.

How about after the third date adding a clause that requires a therapist to access the situation. This way a professional can make sure we’re not exchanging baggage that is even scarier from the last train-wreck relationship. If these pre-nups seem harsh, the good news is that these documents can be changed, says Jenn Berman, PhD., a family therapist in a recent Cosmo article.

When the reality of dating seems just too daunting, the Japanese men have figured out a solution: avatar dating. Love Plus is a Japanese dating simulation game, where mostly young men work on their relationship skills with an avatar. The men get graded on how well they do in the relationship and if they’ve been a “bad boy” you can forget about a romantic dinner.

Bring on the pre-nups!

The Ex-spouse Is the Extended Family

TDR: What’s the best way for the new spouses to handle ex-spouse relationships?

Leman: What’s in vogue today, especially with young children, is that kids bounce back and forth from home to home. Somebody thinks he or she is King Solomon and cuts the kid in half — not a good idea. Parents, if you’re into moving, why don’t you move? That would be my advice. It’s not advice that anyone wants to take, because it’s too inconvenient. It’s much easier for the kids to move. My biased opinion is that those kids should live in one place as much as possible. Yes, and visit the other parent.

The big thing to understand about ex-spouse relationships is to never badmouth your ex-husband or ex-wife, for any reason, at any time, under any circumstance. I don’t care if that ex-husband is a slime ball with a capital “S.” Don’t badmouth him. If you do, you will live to regret it.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

 This is the fourth of a six part interview, click here for the complete interview.

It amazes me that no matter how much we’ve been beaten down after a horrendous split, we’re looking for our soulmates, yet again. I don’t know what this says about our evolution. Are you hunting for a soulmate?

Get Ready for the Ex-spouse's Grenades

TDR: Where does the ex-spouse fit into the picture? 

Leman:  The ex-spouse can lob a grenade into your home with a simple phone call or email. Now you can see why the experts predict that it takes three to seven years to blend families. The foundation of the blended family is cemented with the mortar of jealousy, anger, bitterness and anger. Notice that I said anger twice — because everybody has a little anger inside, an emotional chip on his or her shoulder.

I hope I’m not painting too dark a picture, but you had better love one another the second time around. You had better put your husband or wife first in the relationship. Take it from me, I’m an old grizzled veteran who has been married to the same woman for 43 consecutive years. You will not make it in a marriage unless you are shoulderto shoulder.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

 This is the third of a six part interview, click here for the complete interview.

Battle Over Kitty

What is it about divorce that taps into a reservoir of anger and self-destruction? I posed this question to my friend Ada Marie, a “seer” and life coach. Ada, who has worked with many couples, replied it’s an attempt to hang onto intimacy.

Ada, who has a mid-West sensibility and likes to tell stories to illustrate her point, told me about a couple who fought over their cat for five years. That’s crazy, I said. But then again I flung my clothes into the streets of Manhattan. In hindsight I had to sever our seemingly intimate connection (we were once great friends, if not best) because our connection turned into one of betrayal.

I didn’t have it in me to fight over anything. But the couple Ada spoke about battled five years over getting kitty, spending thousands in the process. When the judge finally awarded the cat to the woman’s ex the cat died that very day.

Anger and hatred can be very destructive and people use it to hang onto any bit of intimacy and love they once had, she said. Negativity keeps people together, just as much as love. This is why people will spend years fighting over material possessions and their beloved pets, she added.

If we can spend so much time destroying each other, why not restore intimacy? There are volumes written about this subject, including Harriet Lerner’s work, but I found Ada’s insights just as refreshing and hopeful.

Couples may want to get back to the intimacy they once had, but they don’t how to cross that bridge. Fear and pride often separate them even if they still love each other, she said. “My grandmother often said to me, ‘Put your pride in your pocket.’

All of this resonated with me. I didn’t know how to get back to being intimate and since then I’ve put my pride in my pocket. I now have a committee of sorts to remind me on a daily basis that my pride is a huge shortcoming and it doesn’t belong on the table.

For me, this is the bridge back.

Siding With Your Kids

TDR: When do the new husband and wife start to try to blend the families?

Leman: Put yourself in the kid’s shoes for awhile. Here’s another kid you’ve never laid eyes on, and he’s introduced as your new stepbrother. Now let’s assume that this little firstborn son is 11 years of age — that’s Dad’s son. And Mom’s firstborn son is 13. Does one hand over the birthrights to the other? No. You’ve got a Wolverine and a Buckeye on your hands, a Sun Devil and Wildcat in a bag shook up for good measure. So that’s why I say, “We have seen the enemy, and it is small.”

So you do try to start a relationship, but once these euphoric initial feelings begin to wane, you’ve got his kids and you’ve got her kids, and he did this, and she said that. And before long, in a very natural way, you are siding with whom? You are siding with your kids.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the second of a six part interview, click here for the complete interview.

Karma

Every so often a well-meaning friend gets me so nuts over my breakup that it takes every cell in my body to get back to a “good karma” mindset. That said, a divorce judge’s book about “good karma divorces” is now on my reading list.

TDR: What are the typical beliefs and misconceptions when two people with separate families from previous marriages fall in love?

Leman: A lot of people fall into the “tinglies.” I’m not even sure it’s love. After you’ve been hurt after a divorce and you find this special person and you have all the euphoric feelings running around in your heart and in your head, you’re telling yourself, “Ahh, this is going to be wonderful.” I think a lot of people assume it will be bliss. Yet love may not be wonderful the second time around — it’s more difficult.

 And even when kids seem to like the other person, what you have to understand is that even though these kids seem like they’re on board, trust me, they’re not. They are the enemy to the new marriage. They will drive a wedge between you. If you are not shoulder to shoulder as a couple, you’re doomed.

So the misnomer of blended families is simply that. They are not blended; they collide. There are many Armageddon evenings ahead for everyone.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the first of a six part interview, click here for the complete interview.

Who Really Benefits?

New York, the only U.S. state that doesn’t allow no-fault divorces, is expected to pass this new law. But the change would make it easier for a wealthier spouse to end a marriage without providing fair compensation.

Depression

I am an escape artist and I will do so by any means. In the past, it was drugs and booze and now it’s just excessive work and just overall insanity. There’s a reason for this confession, which these days seems less of a reveal and more of a common way to cope with life‘s stressors.

A recent Op-Ed article in The New York Times entitled “Good Grief” discussed the difference between grief and depression resulting from a great loss. Although the editorial focused on the death of a loved one, grief can also come from the ending of a marriage or long-term relationship. The author of the editorial, Allen Frances, emeritus professor and former chairman of psychiatry of Duke University, said we shouldn’t confuse natural bereavement with major depression.

The signs of grief and depression are similar. Once more, they are both often treated with medication. Some of the signs include less interest and pleasure in life, a decrease in appetite and energy and the inability to sleep well. When my dear father died last May, I was overtaken by grief and had all those goodies so I thought I was in a major depression. During that time, I happened to go to my doctor and when she asked how I was, I cried on cue. I happily left with a prescription for Wellbutrin, a popular anti-depressant also used to help smokers wean off cigarettes.

At the suggestion of my therapist, I put aside the meds to deal with tremendous feelings of loss. I also started reading Joan Didion’s memoir The Year of Magical Thinking, describing how she dealt with the loss of her husband John Gregory Dunne who suddenly die of a heart attack in December 2003. She writes she was prone to tearfulness and overpowering waves of emotion, common in grief and uncommon in conditions like depression, which tend to deplete affect.

I’m glad I opted not to take the meds, but when my 16-year relationship exploded I started eating them like candy. I broke out in hives and then I had to take steroids to reduce the welts. I become so fixated on the hives it distracted me for a while.

So yet again, I was left without an exit: I had to deal with the sadness and darkness and what I thought was yet another depression. While grief can trigger depression, Frances challenges the medical profession not to dole out anti-depressants so readily. Doing so, she said, “would substitute a shallow, Johnny-come-lately medical ritual for the sacred mourning rites that have survived for millenniums.”

So then I wondered if there where any rituals around failed relationships and ending of marriages besides lawyers and former partners firing successive rounds of bullets and bombs across the divorce table. My coping mechanism and ritual have been excessive exercise — I am training for mountain climbing and a local triathlon. This lifted my spirits and put a renewed focus back on living.

For those who aren’t excessive about exercise (I also tossed meditation and prayer into my ritual.) may find my friend Lauren’s recipe a lot more fun. She and friends participate in divorce parties, where the divorced woman ties a Ken doll to a bottle rocket and sets him into the ozone. In this instance, they sent Ken sailing across Long Island Sound.

This ritual was a celebration of making it through a rough, rough patch of life. I’m all for whatever cocktail of help brings you through grief.

I’ll let you know what I leave on that mountaintop or send sailing off.

Divorce on Friendly Terms

Divorce doesn’t have to be a nightmare. Couples ask profesionals to mediate and help collaborate.  This approach is emotionally less taxing and not as costly as lawyers going into battle.

Exchange of Baggage

If divorce is so hard, then why break up in the first place?

One reader submitted this question and suggested that saving a marriage on the brink may be a tad easier than taking a blowtorch to the marriage license and cherished memorabilia.

When people divorce they have visions of better lives, says Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, director of the Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado. In a Psychology Today article, Weiner-Davis adds that we think old problems will vanish, but actually many yearn for the stability they left behind. In my case, the ex went for perceived stability.

So pick your baggage says artist Sloane Tanen. She has created a humorous series around chicks, as in scruffy yellow peeps with dark, pin-sized eyes and stick legs. Tanen points out in her books, including Bitter with Baggage Seeks Same, chicks come with plenty of baggage as us humans. The peeps learn to navigate and even squeeze in yoga and therapy to deal with their wreckage.

If losing years of emotional ties doesn’t matter, then consider the financial toll. Those who go ahead with divorce can expect a significant decrease in living standards. Women’s living standards plummet by 73 percent, while men’s increase by 42 percent, at least until they find a new partner, according to Lenore Weitzman, a sociologist who conducted research on divorced families, which she published in The Divorce Revolution.

But like Tanen’s peeps, we’re irrational at times and we’ll go head-on into a new marriage or union (men sooner than women). But therapists and psychologists warn of the rebound relationship with all its glitter and promise. Trying to find love on the rebound, without processing the previous relationship, is likely to lead to disaster and and disillusionment, says Charles D. Schmitz, Ph.D. and Elizabeth A. Schmitz, Ed.D.

Both professionals offer some great building blocks to a marriage, including enjoying what you have and focusing on the positives in a union, rather than looking for the next distraction. Granted, some people need to exit a marriage for all the right reasons, including physical abuse. That makes perfect sense. But I don’t want to end up like Dustin Hoffman in the movie The Graduate. In the last dramatic scene, Hoffman tears Elaine away from the church alter. She was just about to marry a preppy-looking guy, who looked like he would have a great future in plastics.

They both run to the bus, with Elaine’s wedding dress trailing behind her. As they head off into the sunset in the back of the bus, their excitement quickly turns somber. I can image them both saying: “What have I done?”

Tell a Story

We all have a story to tell – we’d like to hear yours. We learn most through our peers so your input here will help countless other people. We also know that many of tend to focus on the downside of the situation.

Use this as an opportunity to share your experince, strenght and hope. Something that you learned about yourself, perhaps? How did you turn a bad situation into a useful learning experience? What positive changes happened in your life as a result of your divorce or end of relationship? Anything you wish. We can’t wait to hear from you. Use the box below. Your anonymity will be honored.

Thanks for taking your time to help all our readers.

Kathleen Kiley, Editor

As a professional journalist, the last thing I thought I’d blog about was troubled relationships … that is until I confronted my own.

Unlike other challenging moments in life, this was a life-altering event. There’s a saying … the possibility of the “crumbling of finance and romance can cause your head to explode.” I felt like Linda Blair in the Exorcist when her head swiveled around uncontrollably. I didn’t know the forces that took hold of me — rage, sadness, hopelessness — all of which occurred with the flick of a switch.

A divorce or even reconciliation is heart wrenching and soul searching.

No matter who initiates the discussion, it can be a hard road. I felt as if a bomb was dropped and I was the only pathetic person left in this isolated world.

But then I started to reach out.

As I reached out to others, my life started to turn around. I was suffocating under blanket of darkness. My friends who listened helped me through these most challenging times. They reminded me there are no quick fixes in life. However, they believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself.  I knew I could trust them and that gave me hope I could trust myself. I started to believe in myself. I too, could have a better life.

I began to take action. At first I was tentative, but then with more confidence.

I blog to reach out to others who are going down this path — one of indecision, uncertainty and strange humor. Please join me. Let’s share our strength, hope and experience with each other. Together, we will not only survive, but thrive.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Dating 101

You thought you were done with dating the minute you walked down the aisle…until your divorce. Now dating, once exciting before your marriage, can seem an intimidating way to begin your search for a new soulmate.

Protecting Assets

Much business for private investigators comes from spouses engaged in pre-divorce planning. Savvy divorce lawyers tell clients to find out as much as possible as early as possible, before papers are served.

Answers provided by Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation. 

TDR: How does one apply for spousal maintenance?

Eden: There are a couple of different ways. The first is to just ask your spouse to provide some sort of assistance on a temporary or permanent basis. The spouse may agree or not. This often depends on how amicable the parties are and what situations they may be in.

If the parties are going through mediation (an attempt to reach resolution without a judge involved), then they are probably discussing whether or not spousal maintenance is in order.

Generally speaking, to apply for spousal maintenance, most people will file some sort of request with the court because that’s how you start a dissolution case. You may ask in your initial petition for dissolution of marriage for some sort of spousal maintenance. In some instances, after someone files the initial petition, either party may realize that he or she wants some type of spousal maintenance. That person can then file again with the court to ask for the maintenance.

There are many factors that determine if spousal maintenance is applicable and how long it’s in effect. It is not intended as a punishment or a “forever” payment. Some agreements are modifiable; others are not.

Questions answered by Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation. 

TDR: Can spousal maintenance terms be modified if one party has had some severe change in income or health?

It depends. In Arizona, after a trial in which a judge determines one party is entitled to spousal maintenance, yes it can be modifiable. But if the parties agree to make it non-modifiable in either amount or duration or both, then no one can ever modify it.

There’s a fairly recent Arizona Supreme Court case on this issue. After two parties entered into a non-modifiable spousal maintenance agreement, both in amount and duration, a few years after the marriage dissolution, the payer spouse became disabled. The payer went back to the trial court and said to the judge, “I need to reduce my spousal maintenance. I am now disabled and am receiving Social Security disability. I need to get some sort of modification to the agreement.”

The case went through the Arizona Trial Court, the Court of Appeals and, ultimately to the Arizona Supreme Court. The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that since the parties entered into an agreement termed non-modifiable, the agreement holds and cannot be modified.

There are reasons why parties want to make their spousal maintenance agreements modifiable and other reasons why parties want such agreements as non-modifiable. Spouses should explore all of the reasons in either situation before entering into a spousal maintenance agreement.

TDR: How many marriage dissolutions have some type of spousal maintenance granted?

Eden: It depends on a variety of situations. There are many cases where temporary support is granted until the dissolution is finalized. Then there are cases where support is granted during and after the dissolution. It’s such a fact-intensive question that it can only be best answered on a case-by-case basis.

Answers provided by Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation.

TDR: What determines the amount granted?

Eden: That’s a great question, and one for which I don’t have a very good answer. The reason why is because the Arizona Legislature has set forth very specific factors that the court takes into consideration when deciding:

1. If someone is qualified to receive spousal maintenance.
2. If so, the amount and duration of spousal maintenance.

On various websites, one can find spousal maintenance guidelines available in Arizona. You plug in some numbers, and the site tells you in theory what spousal maintenance should be. If the courts would follow these guidelines, that would be great. But, in fact, the courts do not follow those guidelines.

There are specific opinions from the higher courts in Arizona, The Court of Appeals and the Arizona Supreme Court, saying that judges cannot just use those guidelines, but need go through a list of various factors to decide if a party is qualified to receive spousal maintenance and for how long.

To decide if a person is qualified to receive spousal maintenance, the court has to look at four things:

1. Does someone lack sufficient property to provide for his or her self, such as income-producing property that can generate enough income for the person to be self-sufficient?

If a person has a multi-million dollar estate that generates hundreds of thousands of dollars each year, then that person probably wouldn’t qualify for spousal maintenance. That vast majority of people are not in that situation, but they might have rental properties that generate income that the court will take into consideration.

2. Why is the person unable to be self-sufficient? Is it because he or she is the custodian of a young or disabled child, which requires that person to be with that child most of the time and, therefore, does not allow the person to go out and get a job?

3. Did the person contribute to the educational opportunities of the spouse, essentially putting his or her career on hold to better the other person?

4. What was the length of the marriage? Is the person seeking spousal maintenance of such an age that’s it not very likely that that person will be able to obtain employment to be self-sufficient?

If the court finds that the person qualifies under any one of the above four factors, then the court has to consider 13 other factors to decide how much and for how long. Some of the factors the court looks at are:

•  The standard of living.
•  The duration of the marriage.
•  The age of the requesting party.
•  The person’s employment history.
•  The ability of the person (from whom spousal maintenance is sought) to provide for the other person while providing for his or her own needs.
•  Did one spouse help the other spouse’s career to the detriment of his or her own career?
•  Did one party stay at home to take care of children?
•  Were there excessive or abnormal expenditures during the marriage?
•  Was someone hiding money?
•  What ability does each party have after the dissolution of the marriage to contribute to the future educational costs of the children?

There are many different things that the court looks at and considers. Generally speaking, the answer to the how much and how long question, is determined, in large part, by affidavits of financial information. Each party must complete one of these and basically list out all income and expenditures. Obviously, the more support and documentation one has for expenditures, the better that person’s chances. The court will look at these expenditures and decide if they are reasonable or not.

There’s no set number, and there’s no set timeline. If two different couples with the exact same financial circumstances were in front of two different judges for a trial, in all likelihood there would be two very different results in terms of spousal maintenance.

You Owe Me! Or Not!

If you are involved in a divorce, spousal support may be involved. In any dissolution, the financial future of both spouses is of critical concern. Spouses are usually at opposite ends of this discussion — the one paying feels put upon, the one receiving usually doesn’t think he or she is getting enough.

Recently, The Divorce Resource spoke on this topic with Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation.

This first in a series of four posts provides information that you need to know.

The Divorce Resource: What is spousal support?

Dorian L. Eden: In Arizona, we refer to it as “Spousal Maintenance.” Many people know it as alimony; that’s what many other states call it. Arizona calls it spousal maintenance because it is not intended as a punishment or a “forever” payment. The purpose of spousal maintenance is to get the lesser-earning spouse to a point where he or she can be self-sufficient.

And, there’s a variety of methods that the courts consider: For example, one may need additional schooling, some sort of certification or training, or simply enough time in the workforce to build up to a point of self-sufficiency. That’s the whole purpose of spousal maintenance in Arizona.

TDR: Suppose the lesser-earning spouse was the reason for the divorce, does that change things?

Eden: Arizona has what is considered no-fault divorce, which is why we call it “dissolution of marriage.” A “divorce” intimates that some sort of fault is involved. Because we have these no-fault dissolutions of marriage, the court is not supposed to take into consideration why someone gets a divorce. Was there some sort of adultery, physical abuse, abandonment? The court does not consider those issues.

Now, in very specific circumstances that may be different, but in the vast majority of cases, it never comes up. Obviously, emotionally it’s very different for people, but from the legal standpoint, the judge doesn’t take the reason for dissolution of marriage into consideration in most cases.

It does not matter if one person caused the reason for the parties to dissolve their marriage. All that matters is that one person needs assistance (usually short-term, but sometimes extending to a long-term basis) to reach self-sufficiency.

Historically speaking, the female parties received help because they had lower-paying jobs, less opportunity for higher wage-earning positions, or they stayed home to take care of children.

But now, things are changing as the world is changing. Spousal maintenance requests for men as the recipient are becoming much more common.

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Emotions During Separation and Divorce

Sometimes, life just doesn’t seem fair. You didn’t ask for this any more than your kids did. You didn’t even see it coming. Years of working together at creating a family and in an instant, everything is different. Even though you’d heard stories from co-workers and friends, you never guessed that your marriage would end like theirs. Now you feel betrayed and angry. Intensely angry. In fact, you never knew you could feel this way and you don’t like it.

The whole situation feels surreal and yet, as a parent, you try to keep your emotions in check and maintain normalcy in the household for the sake of the children. Yet, everything seems far from normal and you find that you’re yelling at them for petty mistakes. You feel guilty about having so little patience but find it difficult to keep up the façade of having no problem at holding it all together. When the children are asleep or at school, you crumble into a heap, wondering how this could have happened. You’re not alone.

When needing to take care of one’s personal needs is at its peak, it is often difficult to attend to children’s needs too. Feeling guilty is a normal part of parenting, but an especially strong emotion at a time such as this when all a parent often wants to do is spend time alone to heal. Finding the right balance between taking care of one’s own pain and attending to our children’s emotional and physical needs can be challenging. So, go easy on yourself and remember that each day is a new day for learning.

Sadness is one of the strongest emotions felt at this time. Even if the decision to separate was mutual, you will still likely feel the loss of what once was. The loss of family as it once was, possibly the loss of companionship or the loss of seeing your children with their other parent. If you hide your tears completely and pretend that you have not been affected, your children may get the impression that they need to do the same. Tears and sadness are completely normal and need to be expressed at a time of loss and change.

Of course, falling into a heap or crying all day and night would not be a good idea. Part of our responsibility as parents is to ensure that our children see us as being able to stand strong enough to take care of them. This does not mean, however, that you need to stand strong and stoic all the time or that you need to mask your feelings all the time. Express sadness through tears and talk to them about your sadness if you’d like. Use age appropriate language and don’t get into the details that need to be reserved for adults only.

Be easy on yourself. Of course you are going to be less patient, less tolerant and more angry, especially if you didn’t want your relationship to end. As a single parent, you will also likely be more tired, may have less time to sleep or not sleep as well as you once did. All of this will contribute to your mood. Apologize to your children if you feel that you have been too harsh. Share with them that you too are experiencing different emotions as a result of the changes and that you may be less patient. Ask them to tell you when they feel that you are not being your old self. Let them know that the changes in you will not be permanent. Ask them to be patient with you too.

As I mentioned before, anger is another very strong emotion felt by many parents following a separation. The reasons for the heightened anger are many. Some of what parents have shared with me include feeling abandoned or betrayed by a spouse, anger at being forced into selling the matrimonial home, anger at dealing with ongoing financial matters, and anger at conflict about how much time each will spend with the children. As angry as you are at one another, try not to undermine or speak badly about each other in front of the children. Even though some parents have told me that they feel that their children should know “the truth,” the truth is that children don’t benefit from hearing bad things about either parent. In fact, they often suffer more as a result. Anger at one’s spouse is best reserved for when you are in the company of another adult and the children are not around.

One of the most difficult things a parent has to adjust to following a separation is not having his or her children close by all the time. High on the list of items that separated parents fight about is time alone with the children. The idea of not being able to tuck one’s children into bed every night or to wake up to eat breakfast with them every morning can be overwhelmingly difficult to bear. However, many parents find that over time, and if the situation is settled quite amicably, that they quite enjoy having some down time. Parents have told me that over time they have appreciated being able to take care of their own needs without worrying about the children or have taken advantage of being able to plan activities on their own. Taking care of oneself – emotionally and physically, is always important but especially after working through such a difficult time in one’s life.

My clients tell me that talking to a therapist or a good friend (especially one who has been through a similar experience) is extremely helpful. Remember that you are not weak if you cry (that goes for men too!) and that experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions is to be expected.

Things to DO

by Terry Hillman, Author
Idiot’s Guide to Surviving Divorce – FamilyEducation.com

Before you start the process there are things you need to do to “CYA” to protect children and yourself. From legal issues to finances, from current assets to lodging, here are 21 things you should get done before you say, “I want a divorce.”

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Divorce Stress

by Cathy Meyer – About.com

Divorce is one giant stressful time, especially if your spouse is adversarial. How can you cope? You have less control of your life at this time. Isolation from others is tempting but not recommended. Here are nine tips to handle the stress and be your best.

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Rebuild Yourself

from PositiveWay.com

Divorce can destroy self-esteem.  Depression can sneak into the mind without knowing what is happening.  The parties involved in divorce become full of guilt.  They begin to question their sanity.

How can you regain a positive attitude after divorce? Consider these six suggestions.

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Our Kids Cry

When Bob and I are with the kids, we try to be civil to one another. But sometimes we can’t get past the acrimony and we begin to argue. Our children get upset and start to cry. They don’t understand why Daddy and Mommy fight and holler. We know it’s wrong.

Do we just be silent when we are around them or should we try to tell them that we are getting divorced in a different way?

Can anyone help us with actual experience?

– Jan

Despite the many challenges, it is possible to initiate and maintain a cordial working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. It might be tough at first to get over the past acrimony, but your children need you to do it. Here are some strategies to make co-parenting work.

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If you have a marriage problem, you must prepare before you go to see a lawyer.

You’ll get lots of advice from others, but which should you follow? Decide on your goals and what you want in advance. Here are guidelines to help  you prepare a roadmap to your future.

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Separation Anxiety

From HELPGUIDE.org

Very young children spend much less time with their parents when there’s a divorce underway. That’s just how it is when Mommy and Daddy aren’t both around as much. What’s a parent to do to relieve this anxiety so it doesn’t persist and get worse?

Here are some symptoms, causes, and nine steps to take to ease the problem.

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If you are involved in a divorce, spousal support may be involved. In any dissolution, the financial future of both spouses is of critical concern. Spouses are usually at opposite ends of this discussion — the one paying feels put upon, the one receiving usually doesn’t think he or she is getting enough.

Recently, The Divorce Resource spoke on this topic with Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation.

Click on the arrow below for the taped interview …